G. I. Joe: A Real American Hero

Your beloved action adventure has become the current geopolitical crisis. Your old toy box resembles a tiny military industrial complex and is the reason that drone strikes make you feel a mixture of nostalgia and apathy. Reality and fantasy share the same space in your head, distorted from the countless times you watched Sgt. Slaughter fight in the WWF.

Jem and the Holograms

Jem’s incredible lifestyle set you up for massive disappointment. Now the thought of updating your Linked-In page causes you to have uncontrollable panic-attacks. Even Jem’s secret identity, Jerrica Benson has done more with her life than you. Your only achievement in the last five years was when you made a spot on Jem costume and for one moment felt “totally outrageous!”


Thunder, thunder, thunder house full of cats! This show’s quasi-erotic animal people warped your perspective so much that you now have completely unrealistic relationship standards. But that’s okay because like, Mumm-Ra you understand that existence has but one outcome, death, which is inescapable no matter how many leopard print cat suits you own.

She-Ra: Princess of Power

No matter how much crossfit you do you will always pale in comparison to this female archetype. She-ra once embodied strength and courage to wear knee high boots, but now understand she’s nothing more than the white male Anglo-Saxon ideal. Life is now a prison of the male gaze and you spend most of your time fantasizing about flying off forever on a winged white horse.


The thought of cops fighting crime in a future time now seems like a frighteningly accurate depiction of your city’s paramilitary police force. Huddled inside your makeshift safe room, you now identify more with Big Boss than Federal Agent Baldwin P. “Bulletproof” Vess. You live in constant fear that one day the cops will arrest you for all the weed you buy online.


You see yourself as several pieces of a bigger monster, trying to connect but never able to fuse together. Your true identity died the day you discovered that Sven, one of the original members of the Voltron Force, died in the Japanese version of the show. This lie covered up by North American puritans has prevented you from ever coming to terms with your own mortality. But you will die, alone at age 36.

And the rest…

Ghostbusters, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Transformers, Smurfs, Ninja Turtles and whatever corporate garbage that holds a sentimental place in your aging heart, illustrates just how disconnected from reality you really are. In essence, they are all the same and meaningless… almost as meaningless as your boring pointless stupid life.


Originally posted HERE